Proverbs 31 Amateur - Week One

About a year ago I bought a pink highlighter and decided to highlight everything the bible said about being a wife.

I would love to tell you that I am finished and that I have had divine revelation and now know it all. But the truth is that I am nowhere near finished, and the more I read the more I have realized that God’s standards are way different than my standards.

And I have been known to have some pretty high standards, in some situations. Like when it comes to my boys. My boys are ten and seven right now, but I have already began to pray fervently for their wives. I don’t have daughters so I can’t wait until the days my boys get married. But I have told my boys on more than one occasion that it matters who they marry. I always tell them to marry a girl who loves Jesus more than she loves you. If they can find that, they will be okay.

I want godly women for my men. I want them to marry someone who is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. I want them to marry someone who has a heart like Jesus. And in the mean time I am trying my hardest to raise them up to be mighty men of God, who can also cook and do the laundry!

When my boys marry, I hope they have high standards, like Proverbs 31 standards.

But what about my husband? If I am being honest I can tell you that my husband did not marry a Proverbs 31 woman. When we got married, I was a hot mess. I grew up in a very dysfunctional household, and had no example of what a godly wife should look like.

I was not virtuous; I was not a woman of noble character. I was controlling and manipulative. I was angry that Brandon was the leader of our home, because I thought I was smarter and could do a better job. I wanted to be a mom, but I really had no clue what it meant to be a wife. We had a rough start, to put it lightly. But the Lord began a work in us, and in me.

There is such an abundance of wisdom in the scriptures about what it means to be a woman of God, a wife, a mother, and none of those passages are more well-known than Proverbs 31.

I love these verses and I have read them and reread them more times than I can remember. But there is still so much insight I need to glean from this passage. I thought that as I explored them, I would share my journey with you.

So here we go:

Proverbs 31:10 says:

Who can find a virtuous wife?
For she is more precious than jewels?

The first part of this passage starts with a question “Who can find a virtuous wife?”

When I read this I see two things: there are virtuous wives, but they are hard to come by.

When I read about the Proverbs 31 wife I can’t think of anyone I know that meets each and every one of those requirements. And I certainly don’t come close.

But there is good news for me, and anyone who hasn't arrived yet to the degree of devotion and beauty that Proverbs 31 outlines. We know that it is not our work, but the work of Jesus in us that shapes us into virtuous women.  It is working through the daily grind, seeking Jesus as we move through life that shapes us into his image.

I have spent the last eleven years in wedded bliss. Well, I mean that I have been married for eleven years, I would be lying if I said everyday was blissful. But the truth is that God never intended me to spend one day fighting with my husband, and, unfortunately, I was often the one who made that choice. One thing that has become clear to me in these eleven years is that it is crucial to deal with your own unhealthy habits, dysfunctions, misconceptions, and strongholds. When we hold on to dysfunctions and unhealthy habits we learned growing up we limit the amount of work God can do in us, and in our marriages.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn, mainly because I like to be right. I like to be the one who wins. I like to prove that I know best. Early on I really struggled with admitting that I had a problem with something, or some action of mine was dysfunctional or sinful.

Today, I have no problem claiming all my junk and vowing to get rid of it. I want no part of the unhealthy habits I once clung to and I certainly don’t want the home that my boys grow up in to be like the home I grew up in.

But, just because I have agreed that I am not going to hold on to those unhealthy habits doesn’t mean that I am instantly delivered. But there is a clear pattern to my behavior. When I am focused on and seeking the Lord, my actions look much closer to our Proverbs 31 example. When I start to let things slack in my walk I see more nasty, old, dysfunctions rise to the surface.

As women we set the tone of our family. Are our husbands the heads of the household? Absolutely. But the role that a wife has in a home should not be underestimated. The more time I spend with the Lord, the more time I spend in the prayer closet, the more I devote my time and efforts to love the Lord, the more peace there is in my home and family.

My children can be fighting, crawling the walls, there can be dishes in the sink and dirty laundry all over the floor, my husband can be a grumpy mood after a bad day at work, but if I am at peace, if I have spent time with the Lord like I should have, then there will be a shift in the spiritual atmosphere, the Holy Spirit will be ushered in and we can reclaim our day.

But, the opposite is also true. My children can be sitting at the tables working calmly in their math books without even having been asked, my husband can be singing praise and worship, the house can be spotless, the dogs can even be calming napping under the piano, but if I am in a bad mood, if I tried on a shirt and decided I looked fat, if I am worrying about bills instead of having faith, or more likely haven’t been spending time with the Lord like I should, I can change everything. All it takes is a grouchy mom to change the spiritual charge in the air, quickly. I can send my peaceful home over the edge in less time than you might imagine.

This is why a woman of noble character is so valuable. If you look at this verse in different bible translations instead of noble (which is a great word!) you get virtuous, capable, excellent, diligent, strong, valiant, and worthy. 

These words conjure up an image of a knight in shining armor to me, not a meek little house wife. But if we have an accurate understanding of our role as wives it can change our hearts, our homes, and our families. 

This is what the second part of that verse is addressing: the value of a wife. It isn’t just that they are hard to find, it is that the effect that a wife can have in shaping her family’s spiritual climate.

A pebble isn’t valuable (unless you are my seven year old who collects them). A diamond is valuable. It is rare and beautiful, and something worthy to be awed.

A peasant girl isn’t valuable (I am thinking in fairy tale terms here). A queen is valuable. She has the power to affect nations, and wars, and kingdoms.

It sounds so cheesy to say, but a wife is really the queen of the home (or kingdom) that God has given her.

In reference to God we clearly see that He has gender. God is referred to as He in the bible. But God is not a man. Both Adam and Eve were created in the image of God. And into women God placed His nurturing spirit, tenderness, creativity, and boldness. He placed humility and His strength.

I had a real problem with submission for a long time. I think it took the Lord about 4258468417 tries to finally convince me that following His word, each and every time, would always be the best choice. But finally, after years of fighting, I started to understand submission a little differently. I learned three valuable things:

(Let me preface this with a statement. I love my husband, and I trust my husband. He is brilliant and loving and most importantly Brandon loves the Lord and wants to serve Him.)

But, the first thing I learned is, I submit to Brandon ultimately because I trust the Lord. There have been times when I didn't feel like the decisions my husband was making were the best decisions, or maybe they weren't the decisions I would have preferred. But I trust the Lord. I trusted Him when He told me to marry Brandon. I trust that His word will not return void, and I trust God’s plans for our lives.

The second thing I learned is that submission is freeing. Choosing to trust my husband and submit to Him freed me from worry that was never mine to carry. What if Brandon messes up? Well, we all do, you just move on. The truth is that husbands and wives were meant to fill different roles. It is my job to make Brandon feel respected. It is Brandon’s job to make me protected. It isn't about who does or doesn't do the dishes, or who does or doesn't make the most money. There is so much modern nonsense about women being treated the exact same as men. We are not the same as men, and I am not sad about that. Husbands and wives have very specific roles outlined in the Bible. That’s the way the Lord set things up and He just happens to be one smart dude. Submission is about trusting the Lord that your husband is equipped through Christ to complete the task set before him. And it is about trusting that you, through Christ, can be the wife and mother that your family needs.

The third thing I learned is that there is a power in submission. Not the feminist agenda, bra burning, “I can act like a man, too” type of power. Submitting to your husband allows God to begin to work in you, and (this was big for me) in your husband. Submitting to your husband, gives God the power, and ultimately your blessing, to move in mighty ways in your home and family.

In fact, in 1^st Peter we learn that a wife who seeks the Lord and honors her husband the way the word tells us to can change the heart of her husband back to the Lord or to the Lord for the first time. A virtuous woman has power. Women have been endowed with a strong, yet often silent, power to pull her family closer to the Lord.

I have thought to myself so often, “if my husband would just (fill in the blank) then my life would be so much better.” “If my children would just (fill in the blank) then my life would be so much better.” It is both uplifting and convicting to know that Lord set things up so that I could change the spiritual atmosphere of my home, that by praying and seeking Him, by spending time in my secret place and creating an atmosphere of worship in my home I can open the gates for the Lord work in all of us.  

This is why wives are more valuable than jewels. Jewels have great worth, but no resource can do what a wife can do. As wives we have the opportunity to bring great pleasure and joy to our husbands. We alone can give them a love that nothing in the world can compare to. And each husband and wife have a unique opportunity to share distinct love between themselves and the Lord.

My wedding ring is beautiful. It was my grandmother’s. My grandparents shared forty-six years together before my grandpa went to be with Jesus. The ring means a lot to me. But it is not the most valuable ring, it doesn't have the biggest diamonds I have seen. It probably even has mud or dish soap smashed behind the diamonds. But it is mine.

That is what a marriage is like, my marriage is mine.

There is no other marriage like my marriage and God has uniquely equipped me to bring peace and joy to my husband. He has laid my husband’s burdens on my heart and gave me the authority to pray for him and see the heavens and earth shift.

Knowing the great pleasure and responsibility that the Lord has gifted to you as a wife should effect the way you see your husband, your family, and your home.

When you trust the Lord and see your role through His eyes it can seem overwhelming, but also humbling that He trusted you with such a role.

I’m going to leave you with a few practical things to think about:

As you go through your week think about what can you do to focus on the Lord so that peace will fill your home?

How can you pray for your husband? What burdens does your husband have that you can lift to the Lord? God has given you authority to pray for your husband. You are one flesh!

What dysfunctional or unhealthy habits are you holding on to? What do you need to let go of to move into the next level that the Lord has for you?

What are some steps you can take to focus your family on heavenly things? 

And finally, and of great importance: what can you do to bring joy to your husband this week?