Would You Like a Redo?

Often times my children need an adjustment. No, not a chiropratic one, although I am sure they could both use one of those too. Grumpiness, grouchiness, whining, and general pig headedness sometimes abounds in our home.

(And I would be lying if I said that it only came from my children.)

A few months ago I came across an idea. I am not the one who came up with this, but I have no idea where I got it from. I read so many parenting blogs, FB posts, and pins that sometimes I lose track. 

But here is the basic premise: when my children respond to a request from me with a bad attitude or in a disrespectful manner I will respond with this:

"Would you like consequence or would you like a chance to redo that?"

 The vast majority of the time they will ask for a redo. Then I ask my question or make my request again, just like I said it the first time, and they have the opportunity to respond with respect and kindness. 

I have found that this, more than any other discipline or parenting technique I have tried, helps with their attitude. I also think that it makes them more conscious throughout the day of the way that they are speaking to me, their dad, and even each other. (I have asked them to "redo" the way they have spoken to each other.)

Now, let me tell you why I think this works, and how to quickly make it completely ineffective. 

First off, a bit about my boys. I have two wonderful, sweet, HANDSOME, wild, rowdy, all boy, little men. In many ways they are a lot alike, but in others they couldn't be further apart. One of those ways is their general attitude towards being asked or made to something they don't really want to do. I have one that will do what I tell him to do, 99% of the time, BUT it usually comes with a hearty dose of whining and complaining. The other one is obedient less often, but when he isn't obedient it is because he has made a decision to chose his way over what Mom and Dad have asked of him, to him, the crime is worth the punishment. We have even heard him ask "Exactly how many spankings will I get?" "A spanking from you or from Dad?" (Note: for whatever reasons spankings from Mom are on the bottom of the punishment totem pole. No one seems to be bothered by them.) 

With my always compliant, not always positive child a redo allows him the opportunity to really think about the way he spoke and how he should have responded. He is much more emotionally driven and tends to need a moment to process what he is feeling and whether or not those feelings are worth getting him in trouble. 

With my logical, analytically minded child, he needs to be reminded that Mom and Dad have to be respected, whether or not he feels like that is the best choice for him at that moment. He needs to be reminded that even when he feels like he is capable of making all his decisions, that Mom and Dad are still in change.

The majority of the time when I use this, it works well. And it usually takes care of any grumpiness. It is amazing how a moment to think, a chance to make the right decision, when they thought we had lost that opportunity gives them new perspective. I must admit that I have also asked them for a redo when I have lost my cool with them or realized that I was being grouchy. So far, this has been a great tool in my parenting belt. 

But I have also quickly learned how to make it completely ineffective. When I use a harsh tone with my boys, I lose all footing I have to correct, discipline, and train them. If I have a bad attitude there is no way that I can improve theirs.

The more I respond to them with mercy, grace, and patience, the more I give them the opportunity to respond the same way